The Ten Thousand
by sniperrifle001
Summary: In a different life, in a different time; they once loved each other. Ten thousand moments together created that love. How many moments take to fix it? Sequel to Sink or Swim though not a required read for this .
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

_If you try hard enough; you might be able to find the words to describe what you are feeling. If you try hard enough; with enough introspection, with enough penitence, it all might mean something. You are looking for a truth; any truth. You weave for yourself a narrative; a narrative of the tragic hero, whose intentions and actions are always separated by an ocean of circumstance. But you are not the hero of your story. And you are not alone because of your sacrifice. You are alone…_

_Because you are a coward._

_-The Ten Thousand Forest, Daniel Humphrey_

Every beat bounced off the wall and hit her like a tranquilizer. Every note a poisonous arrow, every chord an opiate of the soul. Sweat and oil mixed with body glitter and musky cologne as the concoction fought their way into her breath. Every exhale; a purging, every inhale; a battle. She couldn't tell if she was swaying to the music any longer but she was okay, at least for now. Her constant blinking had caused her to become disoriented, or maybe it was the blow. But it wasn't because she was Serena Van Der Woodsen and she knew this most familiar of sensations and this was not it. The cocaine was laced with something else.

She could feel the men move through her, past her. She could feel their hands on her body. Some were more adventurous than others, some were outright daring. Most were voyeurs and passive. Not many were daring enough to approach the blonde beauty, obviously too good for them, directly. But everyone wanted a touch. Her hands fought off the unwanted interactions as best they could but there were too many and the dance floor was packed too tight.

She manoeuvred her way into a crowd of girls. She kept at least one girl between her and her part-time assailants. In her mind she tried to keep a sense of time. In her mind, she tried to string one thought before it was lost to another. It was a fight between the pounding external sensory barrage and her every thought rushing a million miles an hour from the abyss of her subconscious into words and just as fast back again.

She watched the horizon of the sea of bodies rhythmically flowing to the deafening beats of the music. Her vision, constantly obstructed by the changing of the lights, _he'll be here_, she kept telling himself. _He always comes._

What had she discarded? What had they left to the fates? Were they wrong? What greed overtook them? What spell had they fallen under?

Surely it was as much his decision as it was hers. Surely he missed her as much as she had missed him. Surely, she wasn't alone in this suffering. But he had always been different than her. His instinct wasn't self-destructive. His every wound, his every scar, fuelled his goodness and spawned more goodness. Had she only been afraid to be exposed by him?

She had known cowards; or she had known those who she had considered cowards. Vanessa, Juliet, Chuck. Was she one?

His words had rung in her heart and haunted her for the long cold nights since that fateful day. She told herself, he couldn't have known. She told herself, that it was a mere confidence. But _The Ten Thousand Forest_, was all her worst fears come true, even if she didn't know it then. She was alone… and maybe it was because she was the coward.

_The girl who has everything, has the most to lose. _How had he known? How could he have known?

She was angry that he didn't tell her. She was angry that he had written that at all. But she was heartbroken because it was true. Now, three thousand miles away from her home, with her friends working on some drug lords in a dark, malign, nightclub, she was just scared.

It was his dark hair that she noticed first. Not a second later, he emerged from the sea of bodies, familiar, beautiful, and haunting. His intense eyes pierced her own gaze and caught her in the rhythm. Apparently she had been dancing. She was just too stoned to notice. Dan grabbed her by the hand and led her out of the crowd.

* * *

It had taken her 45 minutes to calm down. She sat, in the passenger seat of a black BMW breathing heavily. Her bare shoulders covered by his blazer that he had offered her. She turned her head and looked back at the club she had just stepped out of. She could still hear the faint rhythms and beats of the music inside.

For 45 minutes they sat in silence. Dan, now dressed in a dark purple shirt and a black tie with his sleeves rolled up, had his hands placed on the wheel, his eyes closed. It may have been three years but this wasn't new. She knew this look; or rather she had seen it before. It was the look of a man who didn't want you to know what he was thinking.

"I'm… I'm sorry." Serena finally broke the silence. "I… I know you didn't want to hear from me—"

"Serena." He interrupted in a solid and calm voice. "What are you doing?"


	2. Prologue 2

**Prologue 2**

It was though as if whispers from her former life came back to haunt her; a former life that seemed to be catching up with her. Eric, Lily, Rufus, Jenny, Blair… Dan. Dan. The whispers quickly but imperceptibly transitioned from the voices of her distant memories into an unintelligible language coming through the car speakers. She woke up from her slumber to find herself strapped into the car reeking of last night's booze and body oil. Her heels, worn and battered from an access of movement, sat on her lap. Her purse was nowhere in sight. It wouldn't have been the first time she lost it.

The brief few moments of haziness passed. The memories of the night before came into clarity synchronously with the expression of dread on her face. She couldn't look at him. But she could feel him. She could feel his disappointment, his prepared apathy, and his feint hint of anger.

Her attention was briefly seized by the fields of white flanking them on both sides. A row of trees accompanied the road they traveled, framing their progression in a tunnel of would-be foliage had it not been for the winter.

"Where are we?" Her weakened voice cracked.

He handed her a bottle of water without taking his eyes off of the road ahead.

"Thank you." She said before she drank from it.

"Finish it. You need to rehydrate." Dan said.

"I'm fine." Serena replied.

His head shifted slightly saying with his body language what his words failed to.

There was a noticeable pause.

"I'm sorry." Serena finally managed to say.

"Don't." Dan replied.

"I'm trying to apologize." Serena shot back.

"Don't apologize. Because if you apologize then I have to forgive you. And, I'm not there yet." Dan cut her off.

"I knew you'd come." Serena said.

"And how do you think I perceive that?" Dan asked.

"I needed you. I really did." Serena said.

Dan sighed extremely and his one of his hands fall from the wheel. "I know." Dan said with a bit of levity in his voice. "And I'm glad you called. Really, I am."

"You're not mad?" Serena asked.

"No, I'm pissed." Dan replied quickly. "But I'm glad you're safe."

Serena peaked over at him. She couldn't help but let a little smile slip through. It wasn't though as if this was surprising. Dan was not at all, unpredictable. Sometimes, he managed to surprise her with one of his many arcane talents that don't see any practical application except once in a blue moon. But when it came to his personality, he was as consistent as they come. But then again, so was hers. And she knew, in some way, that's what was at the heart of their little dilemma.

Neither of them knew how to change themselves.

Surely, they had made progress and learned to change their lives. They had made decisions on what kind of food they were going to eat, what kind of people they were going to associate with, what work they wanted to do, and how they could manage living together. And they did these things with the greatest of competence. But it wasn't enough.

And by then they were smart enough to realize it wasn't their life they need to change. It was them.

"Are you ever going to be able to forgive me?" Serena asked.

"Isn't it a little disingenuous to be asking that now?" Dan answered with another question.

"Thought I'd give it a shot." Serena tried to make light of the situation.

"Serena, you ran off on a modeling assignment and you didn't come back." Dan reminded her. "Now I know how Nate felt…"

"This wasn't like that." Serena replied. "You and I both knew—"

"That we were having problems?" Dan asked rhetorically. "Yeah, sure. What I did not consider was that you were going to bail so completely."

Serena closed her eyes and clenched her fist. It hurt so bad to hear.

"You have a bad habit, Serena." Dan said softly.

"Just one?" Serena managed to say.

An hour later they had arrived at Vaclav Havel Airport. Serena had fallen back asleep. The late mornings were her usual bedtime now. After pulling up to the entrance, he gently tapped her on the shoulder to wake her up. She stirred for a couple moments before coming to.

"Oh no…" Serena said as she looked out of the window.

"Yep." Dan confirmed. "She's taking you home."

Blair waved from several feet away.

"I can't let her see me like this." Serena said.

"She's seen you in worse conditions." Dan said as he stepped out of the car.

Blair opened the door and helped Serena out. She looked back and found Dan unpacking the trunk filled with her luggage. Luggage she had no idea where it was last or how he got a hold of it. Regardless, she had grown used to Dan's resourcefulness. Unfortunately she had grown accustomed to his taciturn demeanour towards her as well. It was almost as if he was saying, _yeah, you need me_, with every falsely kind gesture.

"We have a flight in 30 minutes, so we really need to hurry and check in." Blair said as she guided Serena.

"And oh…" Blair started but stopped again to dig through her purse. She pulled out a pair of flats for her tall blonde friend. "You'll probably want these."

"Thanks…" Serena said almost absent-mindedly as she slipped them on.

"He came for you…" Blair said as she peaked back at him handling her luggage.

"I know." Serena said with a sigh.

"Like you said he would." Blair continued with a confused tone.

"I know. I know." Serena said. "He always does. And he always gives me that look."

"Then why do you keep calling him?" Blair asked as they sat down on at a bench near the window.

"Because sometimes… I do need him." Serena replied. "Sometimes, he's the only thing that can calm me down. And I know that I have no right to ask this of him after running out on him. But I miss him."

"Tell him that." Blair said.

"I can't. He's not ready." Serena replied with a slight shake of her head. "He's not done hating me yet. He's still hurt."

"Do you still love him?" Blair asked.

"Yes. And I believe he still loves me." Serena stated with a melancholy smile. "This. This love thing is just harder than I ever imagined."

"I know." Blair replied. "And I think he knows that too."

They both sat there and watched him approach with two oversized suitcases on rollers. His hair was shorter than Serena remembered. But she saw him so seldom now that every time his hair looks different. His physical appearance varied as well. Sometimes he was lit and fit, sometimes he was frail and sleep deprived, sometimes he was the image of health. But his expression was the same every single time.

"You guys got everything?" Dan asked as he dropped Serena's carry-on the ground beside him.

"Yep." Blair replied simply.

"Good. I'll see you in three weeks." Dan said.

Blair smiled. Dan leaned in and gave a kiss on her cheek. And with that he left.

"Well… that wasn't humiliating at all." Serena sarcastically said.

"He can't keep still these days." Blair said. "Everything he does is fast and quick. As if anything else slips through his fingers he'll break."

"I didn't mean to do all this to him." Serena said.

"You never considered that your modelling, and the booze, and the drugs, and the partying would end up affecting someone more than yourself, did you?" Blair asked.

Serena's expression broke. Her composure faded as she watched him walk away without even as so much as a look back. Tears gathered in her eyes. Her face fell into her palms. Blair leaned her head against Serena's and cradled her. She was prepared; she had come to expect this. And Serena herself, knew it as well.

If there was one thing they were could trust Serena to always do; it is to spin out of the control.


	3. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

_**3 years later…**_

His face turned inward; into the darkness of the limo. He had seen those tree tops before. Empire State, Bank of America, New York Times… the names of the great pillars in the iron jungle to whence he finally returned. He could feel the savagery of the rampant advertising and the exploitation of self-grandeur that was plastered over all things and all places. He thought about the irony. He had returned home.

The limo was quiet. Quiet enough to let him think. The constant stream of random ideas had kept him sane in so many instances, or so he thought. But it was talent he developed when he was out in the places where all the world was silent. He feared that in New York, his thoughts would simply be drowned out.

The car stopped. How he knew, he had no idea. He couldn't recall the force of deceleration that usually accompanied stopping. But then again, he wasn't sitting in a 1970's Mustang with the windows blown out and war paint on the sides.

The door cracked open and the cold air came rushing in.

"Ready?" A warm voice came from the outside.

He turned his head to look outside. It took him a second for his eyes to adjust to the overcast omni-lit sky. There she stood, Jenny, and again she changed her hair. It was getting harder and hard to recognize her through her various transformations.

"Come on, let's go." She urged.

Dan reluctantly stepped out of the limo and stretched his back.

"Tell me again, why I have to do this?" Dan asked as Jenny led the way.

"Because, a month ago, you sent me an advanced copy of the novel you finished and you asked me what I thought of it." Jenny answered. "Well, this, this is what I thought of it."

Dan stopped. "My editor's office?"

Jenny turned around and walked the several paces back towards Dan. She gestured for him to keep moving.

"Dan, it's ready." Jenny continued. "It's probably been ready for a lot longer than you admit."

"Suspicious… oh what happened to my cute, doe-eyed, little sister?" Dan asked.

"She grew up." Jenny said as she opened the door for him. "You should too."

"What if I don't think it's ready?" Dan asked. "Ever think of that? What if I don't want to publish it yet?"

"Yes, Dan. I did." Jenny said without looking back. "You wanna know what I think?"

"What's that?" Dan chuckled.

"I think if it were up to you. You would never publish it." Jenny said as she approached the elevator. "I think if it were left to you, you would continue writing that damn book until the day you die."

"I don't do it for you, I do it for me." Dan retorted with his trademark ironic wit.

"No, Dan. You do it for Serena." Ouch. She'd been learning.

They both stood perfectly still listening to the hum of the compartment that shot them up a quarter of a mile. They made their way past reception as many if not all took a second glance at the dishevelled, exhausted looking, author walked in behind the tiny blonde. Some of them recognized him, but most only looked out of sheer curiosity of the specimen at hand. At once he looked like a walking cliché and at the very same time completely authentic. It was his way.

"So you did read it." Dan remarked as they waded their way through the maze of cubicles.

"Yeah, or I see Serena in everything you write." Jenny teased.

"I don't know…" Dan said suspiciously.

"What, you don't believe me?" Jenny smiled.

"I just have a hard time believing you have the patience and attention span for anything longer your fashion magazines." Dan replied.

"You've been gone too long, big brother." Jenny teased. "I am in those magazines now. And my interests have diversified. As I've already said… I grew up."

"Really?" Dan asked, still suspicious.

"Yes, really." Jenny answered. "It's also why I know that, left up to yourself; you would never have it published."

"Oh, and why's that?" Dan asked.

"Oh come on, Dan…" Jenny said as she stopped. "It's ten thousand pages."

Finally, for what seemed like an hour they worked their way through the rows of uniform desks until they reached the back offices.

"And what? You think my editor can convince me to publish it? Who's honestly gonna publish a ten thousand page book?" Dan asked.

"Things have changed Dan, you don't know everything." Jenny answered without actually answering.

"Oh, let me guess. The new guy's is a real hard ass. I've faced down Chechens and Pakistanis militia. Who do you think is behind those doors that I can't handle?" Dan asked rhetorically.

And as if karmic irony had himself opened the doors, he turned around. Those maroon heels, and those stockings that melted into her legs, her hour glass figure wrapped by a red skirt and a blouse, her hair tied up in a ponytail, and the glasses… those were new.

"Me."

"Bye Dan." He heard as the voice trailed off into the distance.

He turned around but it was too late. She was gone. How does she move so fast in those heels? His instincts took over. He dashed for the waiting room. But as if karmic irony had been watching the whole time, the doors slammed shut.

"Are you kidding me!?" Dan shouted in the air as his fists collided with the door.

"What's the matter Dan?" Serena asked calmly. "Afraid of what I'll think of it?"

"You're the—my new editor?" Dan asked as he slowly turned around.

Serena simply nodded.

"Since when?" Dan asked cautiously.

"Six months." Serena answered still maintaining her smug smile.

"My editor bailed me out of jail four months ago? My editor wired me money on several on occasions when I was in the Bahamas…" Dan thought out loud.

Serena simply continued to nod.

"Have you been spying on me?" Dan asked.

"Really?" Serena asked almost amusingly. "Is that what you think of me?"

"I don't know what I think of you?" Dan said slowly as he plopped himself down on her couch. "Why don't you tell me."

"You think I owe you an explanation." Serena said eyeing him across the room.

"Stop telling me what I think and tell me what this is." Dan pushed.

She approached him slowly and leaned against her desk. "I probably do owe you an explanation. After Prague. After that last mess you pulled me out of. You're wondering how I ended up from the dance floor of some seedy eastern European nightclub to being your boss."

"Don't rub it in." Dan said with a sigh. His hand rose to his temples as he massaged them in frustration.

"Dan, I know that you don't trust me. Not after running out on you, and not after all of those times I asked for your help and squandered it." Serena explained as she sat into a chair opposite of him. "But this isn't one of those times. This isn't a cry for attention."

"Then what is it?" Dan asked.

"It's an opportunity to start over. Clean slate." Serena said softly. "You don't have to live in exile anymore."

"Oh haha. Funny. I see, you read the manuscript, I'm assuming Jenny gave it to you." Dan asked.

"Don't be so hard on her. She cares about you." Dan said. "And New York is your home. I want you to be able to come back here again."

Dan furrowed his eyebrows and rotated his head slightly. "Is that what you think? That I don't live in New York because you're here?"

"Well… what else is there?" She earnestly asked.

He didn't know what to say, he couldn't process of all that. For a moment, he felt relief, as if the tension he had been carrying in his back for years had suddenly and miraculously vanished. But it was only for a second, for he remembered again what that tension was for. It was his guard.

"If you're staying away from New York to punish me then…" Serena lost her voice into an inaudible whisper.

"What about my book…" Dan asked.

"Yes, your book." Serena snapped out of her trance. "Well, I want to publish it. And trim off some of the fat."

"That's it. Nope." Dan said as he got up.

"Dan!" Serena shouted. "You don't seriously think I'm going to allow you to publish a ten thousand page book."

"If you won't, I'll take it somewhere else." Dan said.

"No, you won't. First, because Jenny is right if you don't publish it now, you'll never publish it. And second, you're under contract with me and you can't shop this one." Serena said in an aggressive tone.

"What? How did this—" Dan stuttered.

"Jail and the wire transfers, this was the term to the deal." Serena reminded him.

Dan smiled as he pieced the puzzle together. It was well played; he couldn't believe he didn't see it coming. This was classic Upper East Side. He thought for a moment that it could've been one of Blair's plays but he dismissed it, too long game for her. Serena, Serena on the other hand loved the long game.

"Fine, cut the script. I don't fucking care anymore." Dan said as he was about to leave.

"I'll see you at dinner tonight." Serena announced calmly.

"What?" Dan asked.

"Dinner, at 8, Le Bernardin, me, Eric, Jenny, my mom, Rufus, and Chuck." Serena continued softly. "The whole family. And we are expecting you."


	4. Chapter 2

**A/N: **So I haven't been that consistent with the updates to this story (which is actually quite normal) and I apologize for that. Anyways, I wanted to note that continuity is pretty inescapable at this point so to new readers I would like to set the stage: this takes place 5 years after season 4. I also added some annotations that refer back to previous events in Sink or Swim if you so need to review or if you need more clarification. I don't think it is all that necessary but you never know.

**Chapter 2**

There were snakes in the jungle less frightening than the looks of some of the patrons that glared at him as they strolled passed him. He clung to the bar as if it were the only thing keeping him alive. He felt like a monkey trapped in a cage going through customs. He tried looking out the window. He always tried for the window. He imagined if he could see his exit, the inside wouldn't seem so suffocating. He smiled at the idea that this was once in the end goal of his life's work. To end the world of those so separated from the world around them that all they can see is their utmost desires for stories. He understood that obsession. Gossip and Narrative are two sides of the same beast.

"Don't." Her voice came again.

Dan jerked around and saw Jenny again, in a different outfit than in the morning. Things hadn't changed that much.

"Don't even think about it." Jenny said as she approached the bar. "Sure, you'll through off the two servers between here at the door but the maître d' has your face."

Dan looked down at his drink and furrowed his brows and asked, "Is this a trap?"

"Dan, you've avoided us for the past three years. No birthdays, no Christmases, no anniversaries. Just a few letters here and there and dropping in for a night or two before disappearing again." Jenny replied. "You didn't think we'd learn?"

"This is a little excessive isn't it?" Dan asked as he sipped his whiskey.

"Dan, it's a family dinner. I don't particularly enjoy them either but we can just get it over with." Jenny said as she snapped her fingers for her drink.

"Are Lily and dad okay with your barring me from running? I can't share a civil meal with them? ? Do they think that little of me?" Dan asked.

"No." Jenny said as she took her drink and sipped it. "But I do."

Dan considered his sister heard. Either he was getting more predictable or she was learning really fast. But then again, she had always been great at the Upper East Side games.

"Oh and… be nice to Serena, okay?" Jenny said as she left for their table.

Dan turtled his head and placed the cool glass full of ice cubes and ethanol. He tried to retreat into his mind again as was his habits as of late. He had found the adjustment back to civilization a little jarring. But his stress was mainly induced by Serena. And this dinner; he considered how he was going to survive it. His odds were slim.

* * *

"And of course, Lily has decided to wear one of my dresses." Jenny explained gleefully.

"Well, you have always had impeccable taste." Dan said with an earnest smile.

"Oh, thank you, Daniel. That's so kind." Lily replied.

"He's not so much complimenting you as he is digging at me?" Jenny said as she stuck her tongue out at Dan.

"Why can't it be both?" Dan replied.

"Oh we have missed that wit…" Serena said with a lazy drag at the end of it.

"What's the matter, Serena? Don't you miss me?" Dan asked

"Now, now. You guys promised this wouldn't happen." Rufus interjected.

"Fine, I'm sorry, Serena." Dan said.

Serena shrugged and rolled her eyes. She let out an inaudible sigh as she placed her utensils perfectly down on her plate, careful to not make a sound. The conversation slowly started to flow again. She watched him. He was different than she expected, he was being… nice, and polite. Jenny gently kicked her underneath the table.

"What?" Serena leaned over and whispered.

"Why are you coming at him so hard?" Jenny asked in a similar tone.

"He's being smug." Serena protested.

"He's being Dan…" Jenny replied.

"I know… I just thought he would be less Dan after being away for so long." Serena remarked.

"How did the meeting go today?" Jenny asked.

"Didn't really go." Serena replied. "He didn't want to talk about the book."

"He's just mad, give him time." Jenny replied.

"It's a little long, I admit." Dan's voice drew both Jenny and Serena's attention. "_My editor_, says I need to trim some of it."

"That's right, I did." Serena said in her half-confession half-I-have-nothing-to-be-ashamed-of voice. "I have to make the hard decisions." She folded her arms.

"Yes, you have to make the hard decisions. Remind me, how did you get the job as editor again?" Dan asked.

"What are you implying?" Serena said, trying to supress her rage.

"Nothing, just how fast you made your career change. Model one day, head editor at my publishing house the next?" Dan rhetorically asked.

Serena simply stared at him. At once it became obvious at that moment why he was still mad. And it seemed so naïve or maybe she just missed a step in her plan. Regardless, she was hurt. And all the pieces of her heart that she tried so desperately hard to put back together fell apart. Because somehow, no matter what she does, she can't seem to make him fit. And she knew that she didn't deserve another chance with him. She only wished he could stop seeing her as she was but who she had become. She thought, she hoped, he would be proud of her. But then again, could he ever be?

The mood for the rest of the dinner was tense. The conservation between Dan and Serena had settled and both of them became quiet. Eric and Rufus had been discussing his plans for law school. Lily and Chuck went on endlessly about the place that they had both purchased for Jenny. Apparently, she had been back for year and despite being perfectly comfortable living with her parents at the penthouse, Lily thought it was time that Jenny got her own place.

Dan occasionally looked up at Serena, sitting across the table from him. The sporadic outbursts of words and emotions from those around him made the situation a little more bearable but he could still feel her gaze ever fixed upon him. Those serpentine eyes, as blue and beautiful as the first time they caught his poorly hidden stare. Now, they carried the venom of a thousand hurt feelings. He didn't blame her.

But what was he expecting out of her? What did he expect to find coming back after three years? A repentant girl waiting for him by the porch; no, even he didn't wish that upon her. I guessed that if he could choose a path for Serena, it would've been the one five years ago; when he planned to move to LA and never see or hear from her again (1). He supposed that's what he was doing when he left.

Serena didn't stay for desert. As soon as the meal was over, she got up and promptly left. Dan felt relieved. As if he had just emerged victorious from a battle. Later in the evening, after seeing Lily, Rufus, Eric, and Jenny home, Chuck invited Dan out for cigars. They stood in the alleyway behind the restaurant, like so many summer days spent in Istanbul.

"Well, that could've gone better." Chuck said lit up his cigar.

"I thought it went as well as it could have." Dan said as he took a switchblade from his pocket and sliced off the ends of his cigar.

"Nice, Humphrey." Chuck said noted pressing down on the cigar cutters in his pocket.

"It's how the rest of us do it." Dan answered as he lit his cigar and gently puffed on it.

"_The rest of us_." Chuck laughed. "You think you're them just because you spent your days rolling in the dirt with them? With your little camera and your laptop? You can come back to New York whenever you want. You think _they_ have that option? You may think you're one of them, but you're not."

"_They_ like me." Dan replied.

There was a moment of pause between them. It was true that they had never been good friends but circumstances have rendered both men part of each other's lives.

"How's the shoulder?" Chuck asked casually releasing smoke from his chambered mouth (2).

"It's good. Rotates and shit." Dan answered.

"Look, I never properly thanked you—" Chuck started to say.

"How's Blair?" Dan cut in with a slightly impatient voice.

"She's good. She's doing well." Chuck answered. "Things are complicated but when aren't they?"

Dan turned to Chuck and said "Look, you don't need to thank me. I didn't do it for you. I did it for Blair."

"Then we have something in common." Chuck said. "Speaking of which, I had planned for tonight to go differently."

"This dinner was your idea?" Dan asked surprised.

"Is that so hard to believe?" Chuck asked with a light laugh.

"Yeah… why did you do it?" Dan asked.

"She doesn't know it yet, and even if she did, she wouldn't know to ask by herself." Chuck answered. "She misses you and she needs you."

"She seems to be doing fine with me." Dan said leaning back against the brick wall.

"Then you're not looking at her." Chuck said. "At least not the way you used to."

"Look how well that turned out for me." Dan remarked.

"Better have tried than wondered…" Chuck replied.

"It's easier with you and Blair isn't it?" Dan asked.

"I wouldn't say easier. But we do have a more consistent… rhythm. If that's what you mean." Chuck replied.

"Yeah." Dan chuckled. "That must've been what I meant."

"Sometimes you amaze me." Chuck said.

"Oh yeah? Thanks…" Dan said cautiously.

"You won't hesitate at a bullet, a bullet for god sakes but Serena. Why are you always so afraid of her?" Chuck asked.

Those words struck a nerve. Of course he was right. He had been afraid of her, he had been terrified of her. But he had always _always_ wanted her. Maybe that's what scared him. She can't see it. For whatever reason she can't see what she has an ocean of men to choose from and truthfully, after all things long years, he couldn't understand why she kept coming back to him every single time he had tried to set her free.

Dan dropped the cigar and stomped it out.

"Thanks." He simply said before turning around to leave.

"Go home, Dan." Chuck said almost as a plea. "You deserve that much."

* * *

It took him hours of wandering the city, taking in the sights of all changes in the ever-changing city. Shops that used to exist; now gone. Restaurants he had never heard of; now all the rage. New York was home, as hard as he tried to dismiss it, as hard as he had tried to push it from his memories it. The cool summer air bought against the heat emanating from the concrete surface. He tried to re-familiarize himself with the ambient urban soundtrack of the city for his time away from civilization has rendered these sounds foreign and strange.

Finally he had reached his old apartment building. The lobby was the same as it had been when he left except for the paintings on the wall. But he had expected this; the lobby rotated their art every three months. He took the elevator up and slowly approached the familiar door. On the other side was a place he called _home_. He hadn't been home in three years. He wondered if his neighbours were still the same. He wondered what it would look like on the other side.

He opened the door.

Her golden heels sat on one end of the couch catching the feint city lights coming from the window. Her hair, likewise golden, sat gently upon her shoulders. She sat looking out towards the endless horizon of rooftops with a glass of wine in her hand and her dress twisted and mangled around her relaxed form, at once ruining it and making it better at the same time. Only Serena could live in a dress like that. Only she could make it apart of herself; as if she lived her life in a painting, always beautiful, always glamorous, always tragic.

She turned her head.

Stunned to find her sitting there, Dan asked "What are you doing here?"

"This is my apartment." She answered simply. (3)

1. Sink or Swim, chapter 1

2. Sink or Swim, chapter 17

3. Sink or Swim, chapter 8


End file.
